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From: paddy...@yahoo.com (Patrick Olguin)
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Subject: The Crowbar FAQ  (with a special tribute to Luigi)
Date: 3 Apr 2002 13:39:04 -0800
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Crowbar FAQ version 1.3 
Definition: crow·bar 
Pronunciation: 'krO-"bär 
Function: noun
Date: 1748
: an iron or steel bar that is usually wedge-shaped at the working end
for use
as a pry or lever
- crowbar transitive verb

Table of Contents

 A Introduction
 B What kind of crowbar to get?
 C Where to find a good one?
 D How to use it?

    1. Individual Pry
    2. Two-Man Pry
    3. Three-Man Bash, Break and Scramble

BACKGROUND

After three years of intense research, comprehensive field-studies,
in-depth interviews, death-bed confessions, dying declarations, and
just plain old speculation and fabrication, we have determined that if you
are reading this FAQ, you are a dyed-in-the-wool cheap bastuhd, or have been so
unduly influenced by wretchedly cheap bastahds that you are suffering from
latent cheapness trauma, and could well benefit from reading this FAQ.  As of
yet, there is no twelve-step program for cheap bastards, or adult children of
cheap bastuhds, but were there to be a chapter of Cheap Bastuhds Anonymous (CBA)
, their version of the Serenity Prayer might be adapted as follows:

(with apologies to AA and other twelve-step programs)

Sears, grant me the credit line to 
Purchase the things I cannot fix
The wrench to drive the nails I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

(Author unknown or Art. depending on which version of the book you
buy)

Being as you are clearly cheap, you are almost certainly overwrought
by the prospect of springing loose a whopping 75 cents to buy a tack cloth, you
blanche at $4.95 for plans to build a cherry highboy, balk at paying a couple
more bucks for a nice resaw blade, cringe at shelling- out less than the price
of a pizza for a flea-market bench plane that will last you a lifetime, shy
away from investing a week's worth of lunch money in a few wonderful
woodworking books, but first and foremost, you will uproot every shrub, flower
and weed in the garden, boil them, smash them and strain them, in an effort to
find a magic dye which you hope will transform construction-grade douglas fir
to look like claro walnut.

Yes, this is the Crowbar FAQ, and it is designed to help you
cheapskates.... errr cost- conscious people get the most out of your
wallet. Who am I kidding? Get ANYTHING out of your wallet!

WHAT KIND OF CROWBAR SHOULD I GET?

Thank goodness there aren't quite as many variations of crowbars as there are
hand planes, jig saws, routahs, or pre-WWII woodworking machinery catalogs (
catalogues, Jeff) or we'd be here all day. There are three basic types:

1.	Simple Crowbar -

This tool has been around since there were nails. The simplest are hardened
tool steel, with a slightly tapered, bent tip. The tip is split for better
gripping of small bills. These crowbars work best on bi-fold wallets. Their
slim, tapered tips penetrate the thinnest wallets without disturbing other
contents. Before the invention of the Klown Hammer (TM), a crowbar was often
applied to the dome of a nitwit who dared displeasure the Cabal by posting an
unwanted inanity, scribbling an OT rambling, being from Texas, or worst of all,
having the temerity to write a sentence where there was a preposition that it
ended up with.


2. Gooseneck Wrecking Bar -

These crowbars are easily recognized by their faceted rod,
aggressively curved (gooseneck-shaped) end and blunt tip. They are best used on
the fatter, more compressed, tri-fold wallets. The gooseneck is handy for
generating a tremendous amount of leverage during the initial prying apart of
the melded leather folds, while the blunt tip works well on milk money that has
been squirreled away since kindergarten (early grade school, for you UK types).
The gooseneck wrecking bar is preferred by 12-year old girls as the tool of
choice when helping dismantle kitchen cabinets. Talk about your post-modern
deconstructionism.


3. Breaker Bar -

While these implements of destruction are often seen being used in
their secondary function of breaking-up concrete and stone, their original
purpose was to bust open briefcases, fanny-packs (no offence to Aussies, I know
what "fanny" means to you blokes), money clips, shoulder bags, and other
conspicuous yuppie accoutrements. In a pinch, a pry bar can used to pole vault
over a searing hot river of lava. Hey, ya never know when a volcano could erupt.

WHERE DO I GET A GOOD CROWBAR?

I suppose you could go to Sears.  Say hello to Art..

Since you're a cheap bastuhd, you probably already hang around garage sales and
flea markets, hoping to cart something home for free from some poor slob who's
too tired to drag a bulky item back to the car, so you're in luck. You might
get one for free, simply by offering to take it off his hands. If you do end up
having to pay for one, depending on the severity of your wallet paralysis, you
may end up in what's known as the Crowbar/Wallet Deadly Embrace (CWDE).  You
can see the problem, can't you? How can you buy a crowbar if it takes a crowbar
to open the durned thing in the first place? This Catch-22 is more common than
you may think.  By the way, never borrow a crowbar. The lender may be trying to
get your fingerprints on a murder weapon. I learned that watching Law&Order, so
it must be true.

This classic conundrum is best overcome by either putting the crowbar
of your choice on your next Christmas/Channukah/Birthday/Wedding Shower/Baby
Shower/Graduation gift list, or by visiting a nearby junk yard and concealing
the prize in your baggy pants (best to bring a date, so as to explain the
protrusion in your drawers... the proprietor will understand, and likely send
your date flowers later, knowing what a stiff you are... and I don't mean the
good kind) on your way out. HOW DO I USE IT?

1.	Individual Pry

This method depends on the type of crowbar you've acquired, and the
relative tightness of your wallet. The typical bi-fold wallet is best laid on
the floor, unfolded (don't worry if it snaps back shut; it happens, especially
for those who won't run their car air- conditioners in 90 degree heat, because
it wastes gasoline, and is "hard on the engine"), with the opening (if one is
detectable) to your right.  Note Reverse the preceding wallet orientation
instructions if you're left-handed.  If on the other hand, it's your
orientation that is different, wear braces to help firm-up your wrists, and
proceed as described.  The singing of showtunes, while not strictly prohibited,
nor even discouraged, should be kept to a minimum so as to keep one's self on
task.  Our experience demonstrates that railroad work songs are the best
traditional wood working sing-alongs.

Then, with the crowbar held in both hands (left hand a few inches
behind the tapered end, and right hand near the other end), apply your left
instep to the closed side of the wallet. Bend your left knee until you're
nearly in a genuflecting position. (Note to those raised Roman Catholic: Do not
reflexively cross yourself, because remember, you're holding the crowbar, and
the business end will feel real lousy going into your forehead. DAMHIKT). You
don't want to go quite to one knee, because you still want to be able to bear
nearly your full weight on that hopelessly tight wallet. Insert the tip into
the open side, and slide it in. This may take some wiggling. Then, bear down
steadily on the end of the crowbar. The wallet should open. Release your left
hand, and extract necessary cash. If the cantilevered weight of the crowbar isn'
t enough to keep it open, then you'll need to employ the...

2. Two-Man Pry

This method is actually a simpler and safer method of prying money out
of those really stubborn, seemingly sealed-shut wallets. It also works better
if you go ahead and use the larger, more robust gooseneck wrecking bar. The Pry-
man stands with both feet spread slightly less than shoulder width apart. He
then slowly wiggles his feet inward until both feet are holding down just the
edges of the wallet. This is tricky with those slim-line bi-fold wallets, but
our experience has been that people with those kind of wallets aren't usually
cheap bastuhds anyways (although they still can be lousy tippers).  Using the
gooseneck end, insert the tip as far as it will go, then, using the other end
of the wrecking bar like the handle on a lever, rotate and push down hard on
the end of the bar, being careful to maintain pressure on the wallet's edges. A
dangerous wallet kickback may occur otherwise. Now it's the Retrieval-man's
turn. Taking care to keep one's fingers clear of the teeth that must be
guarding this wallet, pull a few dog-eared bills from the moth-eaten crevice.
Kneel or crouch off to the side, in case the Pry Man should slip, and send a
fusillade of Buffalo-head nickel milk money spraying from the depths of the
abyss.

Stick-em (TM), though outlawed by the NFL is a good idea here to
ensure a secure grip on the money. You may only get one chance.

Fun Fact: When cut into strips, the leather from these wallets makes great
tourniquets!

If this method fails, there's always....

3. Three-Man Bash, Break and Scramble

This is the simplest, but least accurate method of liberating funds from a
death-gripped billfold. Place the wallet on a hard, flat surface (granite would
be good). All three men grasp the breaker bar, and in a coordinated effort,
plunge it into the vise-like jaws of the wallet, while exclaiming like a crazed
WWF announcer, "A piledriver!!! Another piledriver!! And another piledriver!!
Hoo motch lungerrr canna the lil' pocketbook tek it?!" (thick Welsh accent not
required, but highly recommended).  When the money is freed from the tatters,
two men scramble for the loose change (not much likelyhood of folding money
being present in this extreme example of a skinflint, cheapskate, cheeseparer,
chuff, muckworm, miser, nabal, piker, tightwad) while the remaining person
holds the breaker bar. Best to agree upon who's going to hold the breaker bar
beforehand.

Summary

As you can see, the crowbar is a useful tool when applied
judiciously. There is one use, however, that hasn't been explored. The next
time you feel the compulsion to ask, "How do I make a tack cloth?" take a
crowbar and pry the network connection of your computer out of the wall, and
never plug it back in. Thanks in advance.

And remember... TINC.


Copyright 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002 Patrick M. Olguin.

You can't copy this. Not even for fun!. I didn't steal the idea from
anyone! (Unlike Luigi did) It's mine mine mine mine mine!!! And speaking of
Luigi, you can't hide behind that disclaimer, everyone knows you're picking on
me about that Skil-sawn Workmate. How'd I know that plywood was only 3/8"? YOU
try woodworking with your crotchety judgemental father-in-law standing right
there in front of you, criticising your every move. Oh yeah... (mutter, grouse,
moan **blink** **blink**) and I'm still in therapy about that, dammit!!!! I'm
ok, really I am. Can I deduct this? What are all you people looking at? Move
along, nothing to see here. Keep moving.

O'Deen